Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 14th April 2024

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 14^th April 2024 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      Citizens of D-Town have had a monumental week, and have been forced to stand back in awe to admire the mighty force of Nature in action.  On Wednesday crowds gathered to marvel at the spectacle of the single-decker town bus being completely eclipsed by the double-deck 49 as it passed through town in its transit towards TrowVegas.  Not until 2037 is this perfect alignment of the two services on London Road bridge expected to occur again.  As if this were not enough, on Thursday another phenomenon occurred.  The continuously smoking pile of rubbish that is the town dump began emitting almost perfect smoke circles.  Accompanied by coughing tip workers, and clouds of choking fumes, the rings were seen to ascend high into the air above Etchilhampton, before dissipating themselves into the atmosphere. 

2.    And a man from The Vize has claimed to be the first idiot to run the entire length of the A342.  After arriving at the end of the road near Salisbury Plain, the man (named Luke Leaner) claimed to be “a bit tired”, and that he had been inspired to do something so difficult, and yet pointless, by the sight of the D-Town Council leader being interviewed whilst wearing a pair of expensive Adidas Samba trainers.  “Anything that man can do to destroy the credibility of the brand, I can do much better,” he claimed.  He was later arrested by police and charged with “loitering near a pedestrian crossing with the intention to cross road”. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2024

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 31st March 2024

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 31^st March 2024 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      Official protests have been lodged with the Embassy of The Populist Republic of Trowvegas, after it was discovered that pirated copies of D-Town TV television programmes had been doctored to portray a different and warped view of normal practices in The Vize.  Pictures of feral yoofs had been deep-faked  and ;pixelated to hide their knives and bikes (which are banned in TPRT because of their decadent capitalist connotations), and portraying such individuals helping old ladies across the road, stroking cats and dogs, and behaving well in school.  An enraged D-Town spokesperson said “this is a total misrepresentation.  In D-Town we allow feral yoof to run free and unhindered. These faked positive images give completely the wrong impression.” 

2.    And D-Town’s police force will now be able to grow facial hair.  The rules will be that moustaches and beards must be clipped and kept neatly, properly groomed, and not so long as to interfere will normal operational duties.  The men in the force will also be allowed to do the same. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2024

 

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 10th March 2024

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 10^th March 2024 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      Following various interviews given by Town Councillors, detailed instructions have now been issued to D-Town citizens on how to load a washing machine (and what programme to use), how to stack a refrigerator for optimal storage, and how to iron a shirt properly.  Previous guidance on washing-up, cooking a three-course meal and emptying the bins should be ignored, as once the councillors have been interviewed again, new guidelines are expected to be issued. 

2.    And it has also been announced that bus-routes in the borough are to drop the route-numbers, with which they’ve been associated since Jesus was a boy, in favour of new woke route names.  Details are still to be finalised but the D-Town to TrowVegas route may be named The Shirtlifter Line, D-Town to Chippenham as The County Line(s) and D-Town to The Sham as the Take Life In Your Own Hands Line. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2024

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 25th February 2024

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 25^th February 2024

 Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      Several streets in D-Town were closed yesterday as police and army technicians struggled to contain the threat of explosions.  The milk-float had been parked for several days in bright sunshine, and it was feared that several bottles of semi-skimmed were about to blow.  After sealing off the vehicle and carrying out a risk-based cheese-making assessment, the decision was made to detonate the deadly cargo in the waters of the K&A canal.  Although several curds were formed, the police managed to get the dangerous liquid a-whey safely.  Had the yoghurt blown, it was feared that nearly £7-worth of damage might be caused. 

2.    Following the utter chaos in the Council chamber on Thursday when politicians from both sides attacked each other, representatives from both Israel and Hamas have appealed for peace and a negotiated settlement.  Also the US Defence Force and the Iranian-backed Houthis have called for calm, but also offered to send weapons in an attempt to bring the wrangling to a final solution. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2024

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 11th February 2024

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 11^th February 2024

 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      Following the lead of the English FA, D-Town Academicals have decided to adopt the new disciplinary system in all their Anusol (North) League fixtures.  Any player guilty of dissent or threatening behaviour will be shown a blue card and sent off for 10 minutes.  Spitting will attract a green card and 15 minutes, bodily assault a purple card and 20 minutes, and for the worst crimes of diving (or other cheating), a black card and 30 minutes.  

2.    And, during the week, it became known that the chap who lives in the Big House on The High Street is poorly. The exact type of poorliness was not disclosed.  He is expected to be more poorly before he gets better, although his expected course of treatment has not been announced.  His poorliness is not thought to be related to the undisclosed minor illness he had the week before.  His daughter-in-law is also said to be poorly, but with a different undisclosed condition altogether.  The man let it be known that the good wishes of the town’s population has been a great comfort to him, and that he was only too happy to be so transparent and public about his poorliness. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2024

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 14th January 2024

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 14^th January 2024 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      In an extension of its overblown foreign policy, D-Town has launched pre-emptive strikes of milk round deliveries and new bus services in areas of the county that have nothing to do with D-Town.  Milk deliveries have begun in that awkward bit of country near the River Avon, just before you get to Bath.  A spokesperson for the Clowncil announced that these “operations” (which had been carried out in tandem with Melksham Council) were “necessary to ensure the safely of D-Town deliveries, and were in no way meant to signal an escalation in wider county hostilities”.   Yeah, right. 

2.    Several busses in the fleet of double-deckers on the 49 route have been taken out of service whilst safety checks are carried out.  Last week a window panel blew out on the ascent of Caen Hill towards D-Town.  Whilst this was very frightening for the passengers, no-one was actually sucked to an agonising high-pressure death, and the bus arrived safely in the Market Place.  It is chilling to think of what might have happened if the bus had been anywhere near Swine-town or TrowVegas. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2024

 

 

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 7th January 2024

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 7^th January 2024 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      The festive season and Twelfth Night having been successfully negotiated, D-Town supermarkets are gearing themselves up for Valentine’s Day, Easter, Back-To-School, Summer Holidays, Mothers’ Day, Fathers’ Day, Hallowe’en, Bonfire Night and, of course, next Christmas. 

2.    The Post Office scandal has spread its ugly tentacles even into D-Town’s infrastructure.  Several customers have been wrongly denied entry to the fastest-moving queues, and thus missing vital appointments, and some even losing the will the will to live.  Collections and deliveries have been delayed, and yet compensation has been denied to customers waiting for vital supplies, such as sex-dolls, illegal prescriptions and hard-core pornography. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2024